It's a lovely
morning. It's the dawn of a blog too. There has been a lot happening in my life
lately. Time to channelize the happenings into a useful blog!
From my personal experience, emotional and psychological abuse are rarely understood in India. People tend to empathize with physical abuse more readily. Having experienced both kinds of abuse in severe forms, I can vouch that emotional and psychological abuse tore me apart, more than a broken arm and a ruptured eardrum ever did. It is what finally got me to leave the abusive dynamic.
Having said that, every incident of physical abuse is also psychological abuse. It leaves the victim intimidated. Every progressive incident builds anxiety and teaches the victim to shut up to keep peace, even when not being hit.
First let's go
through a few terminologies:
(1)Emotional abuse
vs Psychological abuse
Emotional
abuse targets a person's feelings, it uses emotions
to manipulate, punish, and achieve control.
Psychological
abuse focuses on questioning and influencing a person's
way of thinking and views on reality. Psychological abuse has long term
effects, but can be slowly healed with the right kind of help.
(2)Post-separation abuse(aka Post-divorce abuse)
It
is the abusive control an abuser maintains on the victim even after he/she
leaves the relationship. This abuse is typically related to child custody or
withholding reasonable financial support.
It is also very common for the abuser to play victim and project the actual victim as the abuser.
(3)Parental alienation
It
is the dynamic in which a child is psychologically manipulated over a long
period of time to choose the abusive, toxic parent over the emotionally healthy
parent.
The child does his best to please the abusive parent and keep him happy. He has learnt over the years that the abusive parent has more power in the dynamic and siding with him gives the child a safety net. He believes that the victim parent can never outpower the abuser and hence is not capable of protecting him(the child) either.
The
child blames the victim parent as the reason for all troubles, while blindly
siding with the abusive parent.
Today, we will dissect a specific post-separation emotional abuse incident and understand how the abuser would potentially turn it on the victim.
Background:
1.
The victim has moved out from the house she co-owns with the abuser to a rented
place, away from the abuser. Let's call the victim a survivor from this point,
because she has taken steps to rescue herself from the abusive dynamic and
decided to speak out.
2. The abuser continues to stay in the shared own-house. The two parents share custody of the child.
3. The child in case has been mildly alienated and prefers the abusive parent especially during holidays, because he is more fun. The loving tween's behavior with the mother changes starkly in the presence of the father and switches to hostile and apathetic.
4. The abuser is especially hostile about sharing the child on festivals, holidays and special occasions. The child is not allowed to have fun, or make memories with the mother
5. In the absence of a clear Black & White agreement, the survivor tries to strike a deal with the abusive co-parent to bring the child to her house for a few hours on Deepavali.
The
story:
Deepavali being on
Sunday, the mother sends a message to the co-parent on
previous Tuesday, asking him for a proposal on sharing the festive
day.
The
co-parent ignores her message. She sends multiple reminders to the co-parent.
She texts him that she will come up with her own proposal if he does not have a
proposal by Wednesday night.
At this point, you might wonder why she didn't pick the damn phone and talk.
There are two obvious reasons for this:
(a)
Talking to her abuser is uncomfortable for a survivor of psychological
abuse
(b)The
abuser typically uses manipulative tactics and lies to evade accountability. A
texting arrangement can improve accountability slightly when compared to a
call.
On Thursday morning, the mother follows
through her words and sends her own proposal. She asks that the child be able
to spend time with her in the common area of the apartment the parents co-own.
This helps her supervise the child's bursting of crackers as well as spend meaningful
time with the child in a safe space. She also asks to bring the child to her
house for lunch for the feast and to spend some time with the child's
grandmother. The co-parent continues to ghost her
with no explanation.
The mother requests for a consensus on a timely manner to avoid chaotic experience to the child and her at the last minute (which she anticipates from past experiences).
The co-parent finally responds on Friday evening, stating that he needs some clarification. He does not mention what clarification he needs. He insists that the mother should call him for clarifications. The mother conferences the co-parent with a mediator from her side. The co-parent does not attend the call. Then the mother insists that the co-parent first text his concerns or send a voice message. This way, she gets time to think through his concerns and come back with a response. Co-parent finally texts his concerns on saturday noon, with only 12 hours left for Diwali.
He blackmails her that if she comes to the terrace of the house she co-owns, he will start coming to the terrace of her rented house on future festivals. The survivor is appalled. She reminds him that she co-owns the said house with him and is entitled to atleast the common areas of the house on a special occasion. On the other hand, the abuser has no business in the terrace of her rented place, when she specifically left her own house to escape the abuse. The abuser then tells her that if she visits the terrace, he will not send the child to her house on Monday, when she is duly entitled to have the child as per clear agreement.
Fine-details:
1. She reminds the
abuser that they had an agreement for him to move out of the co-owned house and
rent it to a third party.
2.The abuser adds an
argument saying that he needs compensation for the hours spent on Diwali, which
are rightfully his. The mother reminds him that the abuser has already taken
several days of the child in the previous weeks when he was supposed to be
with her and never compensated her. The co-parent ignores her argument.
The mother makes it clear that she wants the child on Monday morning as per agreement. She is willing to compromise on Diwali and asks him what he is willing to give- even if it is breadcrumbs. She will do anything to avoid the last minute drama to the child and her.
We reach Sunday morning. Diwali has
begun and we are no close to a consensus. The mother ropes in a mediator to
help her get some answer..any answer.. at
this point...She is willing to accept even a clear-cut no to spend the Diwali
with the child. But she needs an answer. Now the abuser tells her
that even if she does not spend a moment in Diwali with the child, he still
won't send the child on Monday morning. He comes up with another last-minute
excuse he never mentioned before.
The mother asserts her rights to visit her friends on Diwali- the friends and neighbors with whom she had celebrated Diwali for the past 12 years. She does not demand that the child be there. She does not ask to go into his house. She promises to not talk to the child if the child happens to be in common areas. The mediator asks the co-parent to send the child with the mother at 9 AM on Monday atleast. The co-parent reluctantly and evasively agrees.
The actual happenings:
The mother musters
strength to visit her friends and celebrate Diwali without the child, for the
first time in her life. The mother goes to the terrace of her co-owned house on
Sunday evening. She finds her child and the co-parent there along with all the
other children. Fireworks and gala abound. The mother and child carefully
ignore each other, knowing not to attract the wrath of the father. They do not
talk, do not make eye contact even. All the other children in the neighborhood
come cheering to the mother, wishing her a Happy Deepavali. The children ask
her with kindness to burst some fireworks along with them. They insist her to
participate, in their own beautiful innocence and kindness. The mother comes
back, with mixed feelings, grateful for the love of the neighborhood children.
She is moved to tears.
The grandmother forsakes her possibility of spending Diwali with the child for the first time in her life. It ain't gonna happen. The child misses the opportunity to burst crackers in the new neighborhood, make some new friends and memories in the process.
Mother texts the co-parent reminding him to put the child to sleep on time. She reminds him she will pick up the child at 9 AM on Monday. The co-parent does not respond. He leaves her hanging. The mother wakes up anxious on Monday morning, foreseeing drama. She wakes up earlier than usual so that she can pick up the child on time. She opens her whatsapp. The co-parent has responded..finally..at 5.30 AM on Monday morning. He tells her the kid will be further delayed. He tells her she should pick up the child two hours late, at 11 AM on Monday, because the child went late to sleep. The mother is not surprised. She has tolerated this for thirteen years. She knows she needs to brace for this for years to come, even when she has physically left the abuser. It's not 11 AM yet. So I leave the story incomplete.
How the abuser
simplifies this story:
He says that he was
willing to share the Diwali with her, but only asked for a fair compensation.
The response was late only because he was busy at work. He accuses the survivor
of taking unnecessary stress. He says she should meet a psychiatrist. This strategy
of the abuser is called "minimization".
PS: The child was finally handed over only on Tuesday evening, after school.
