Morph

He hit her for years,

she begged him not to;

One day she tried to defend,

that made him surge in rage;

He slapped her even more,

and caused a eardrum hole;

But now, they are both victims,

because she chose to defend, afterall!

 

He used her as the money machine,

as she lovingly closed his loans in lakhs.

He chose to spend without keeping tabs,

claimed she had no right to ask questions.

But now, they are both victims,

because one day, she drew boundaries, afterall!

 

He threw the food she cooked on the floor,

and made her clean, a way of control.

The woman should earn and split the bills,

but also run the house with impeccable skills

Sharing chores is not a man’s duty

But cooking for him is the woman’s duty

But now, they are both victims,

because one day, she stopped cooking for him, afterall!

 

She birthed the baby, nursed and fed him,

while dad roamed and played and partied in bliss;

Feeding was her job, playing was dad’s

Caring was her job, outing was dad’s

But now, they both have equal rights

For dad gave the surname, afterall!

For years, she slogged and built a home,

as he abused her in ways unknown

One day, she chose to break the silence

hoping to put an end to the violence

But now,  somehow, they are both victims,

because she dared to make her story well-known!

 

A satirical dig at how our society views abuse from the lens of "neutrality".  Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

Let's dissect emotional abuse and post-separation abuse (with a Diwali example)

It's a lovely morning. It's the dawn of a blog too. There has been a lot happening in my life lately. Time to channelize the happenings into a useful blog!

From my personal experience, emotional and psychological abuse are rarely understood in India. People tend to empathize with physical abuse more readily. Having experienced both kinds of abuse in severe forms, I can vouch that emotional and psychological abuse tore me apart, more than a broken arm and a ruptured eardrum ever did. It is what finally got me to leave the abusive dynamic.

 Having said that, every incident of physical abuse is also psychological abuse. It leaves the victim intimidated. Every progressive incident builds anxiety and teaches the victim to shut up to keep peace, even when not being hit.

 

First let's go through a few terminologies:

(1)Emotional abuse vs Psychological abuse

Emotional abuse targets a person's feelings, it uses emotions to manipulate, punish, and achieve control.

Psychological abuse focuses on questioning and influencing a person's way of thinking and views on reality. Psychological abuse has long term effects, but can be slowly healed with the right kind of help.

(2)Post-separation abuse(aka Post-divorce abuse)

It is the abusive control an abuser maintains on the victim even after he/she leaves the relationship. This abuse is typically related to child custody or withholding reasonable financial support. 

It is also very common for the abuser to play victim and project the actual victim as the abuser.

(3)Parental alienation

It is the dynamic in which a child is psychologically manipulated over a long period of time to choose the abusive, toxic parent over the emotionally healthy parent. 

 The child does his best to please the abusive parent and keep him happy. He has learnt over the years that the abusive parent has more power in the dynamic and siding with him gives the child a safety net. He believes that the victim parent can never outpower the abuser and hence is not capable of protecting him(the child) either.

The child blames the victim parent as the reason for all troubles, while blindly siding with the abusive parent.

Today, we will dissect a specific post-separation emotional abuse incident and understand how the abuser would potentially turn it on the victim. 

 

Background:

 

1. The victim has moved out from the house she co-owns with the abuser to a rented place, away from the abuser. Let's call the victim a survivor from this point, because she has taken steps to rescue herself from the abusive dynamic and decided to speak out.

2. The abuser continues to stay in the shared own-house. The two parents share custody of the child.

3. The child in case has been mildly alienated and prefers the abusive parent especially during holidays, because he is more fun. The loving tween's behavior with the mother changes starkly in the presence of the father and switches to hostile and apathetic. 

4. The abuser is especially hostile about sharing the child on festivals, holidays and special occasions. The child is not allowed to have fun, or make memories with the mother

5. In the absence of a clear Black & White agreement, the survivor tries to strike a deal with the abusive co-parent to bring the child to her house for a few hours on Deepavali. 

 

The story:

 

Deepavali being on Sunday, the mother sends a message to the co-parent on previous Tuesday, asking him for a proposal on sharing the festive day.

The co-parent ignores her message. She sends multiple reminders to the co-parent. She texts him that she will come up with her own proposal if he does not have a proposal by Wednesday night. At this point, you might wonder why she didn't pick the damn phone and talk. There are two obvious reasons for this:

(a) Talking to her abuser is uncomfortable for a survivor of psychological abuse 

(b)The abuser typically uses manipulative tactics and lies to evade accountability. A texting arrangement can improve accountability slightly when compared to a call.

 

On Thursday morning, the mother follows through her words and sends her own proposal. She asks that the child be able to spend time with her in the common area of the apartment the parents co-own. This helps her supervise the child's bursting of crackers as well as spend meaningful time with the child in a safe space. She also asks to bring the child to her house for lunch for the feast and to spend some time with the child's grandmother. The co-parent continues to ghost her with no explanation.

The mother requests for a consensus on a timely manner to avoid chaotic experience to the child and her at the last minute (which she anticipates from past experiences).

The co-parent finally responds on Friday evening, stating that he needs some clarification. He does not mention what clarification he needs. He insists that the mother should call him for clarifications. The mother conferences the co-parent with a mediator from her side. The co-parent does not attend the call. Then the mother insists that the co-parent first text his concerns or send a voice message. This way, she gets time to think through his concerns and come back with a response. Co-parent  finally texts his concerns on saturday noon, with only 12 hours left for Diwali.

He blackmails her that if she comes to the terrace of the house she co-owns, he will start coming to the terrace of her rented house on future festivals. The survivor is appalled. She reminds him that she co-owns the said house with him and is entitled to atleast the common areas of the house on a special occasion.  On the other hand, the abuser has no business in the terrace of her rented place, when she specifically left her own house to escape the abuse. The abuser then tells her that if she visits the terrace, he will not send the child to her house on Monday, when she is duly entitled to have the child as per clear agreement. 

 

Fine-details:

1. She reminds the abuser that they had an agreement for him to move out of the co-owned house and rent it to a third party.  

2.The abuser adds an argument saying that he needs compensation for the hours spent on Diwali, which are rightfully his. The mother reminds him that the abuser has already taken several days of the child in the previous weeks when he was supposed to be with her and never compensated her. The co-parent ignores her argument.

The mother makes it clear that she wants the child on Monday morning as per agreement. She is willing to compromise on Diwali and asks him what he is willing to give- even if it is breadcrumbs. She will do anything to avoid the last minute drama to the child and her.

We reach Sunday morning. Diwali has begun and we are no close to a consensus. The mother ropes in a mediator to help her get some answer..any answer.. at this point...She is willing to accept even a clear-cut no to spend the Diwali with the child. But she needs an answer. Now the abuser tells her that even if she does not spend a moment in Diwali with the child, he still won't send the child on Monday morning. He comes up with another last-minute excuse he never mentioned before. 

The mother asserts her rights to visit her friends on Diwali- the friends and neighbors with whom she had celebrated Diwali for the past 12 years. She does not demand that the child be there. She does not ask to go into his house. She promises to not talk to the child if the child happens to be in common areas. The mediator asks the co-parent to send the child with the mother at 9 AM on Monday atleast. The co-parent reluctantly and evasively agrees.

The actual happenings:

The mother musters strength to visit her friends and celebrate Diwali without the child, for the first time in her life. The mother goes to the terrace of her co-owned house on Sunday evening. She finds her child and the co-parent there along with all the other children.  Fireworks and gala abound. The mother and child carefully ignore each other, knowing not to attract the wrath of the father. They do not talk, do not make eye contact even. All the other children in the neighborhood come cheering to the mother, wishing her a Happy Deepavali. The children ask her with kindness to burst some fireworks along with them. They insist her to participate, in their own beautiful innocence and kindness. The mother comes back, with mixed feelings, grateful for the love of the neighborhood children. She is moved to tears.

The grandmother forsakes her possibility of spending Diwali with the child for the first time in her life. It ain't gonna happen. The child misses the opportunity to burst crackers in the new neighborhood, make some new friends and memories in the process.

Mother texts the co-parent reminding him to put the child to sleep on time. She reminds him she will pick up the child at 9 AM on Monday. The co-parent does not respond. He leaves her hanging. The mother wakes up anxious on Monday morning, foreseeing drama. She wakes up earlier than usual so that she can pick up the child on time. She opens her whatsapp.  The co-parent has responded..finally..at 5.30 AM on Monday morning. He tells her the kid will be further delayed. He tells her she should pick up the child two hours late, at 11 AM on Monday, because the child went late to sleep. The mother is not surprised. She has tolerated this for thirteen years. She knows she needs to brace for this for years to come, even when she has physically left the abuser. It's not 11 AM yet. So I leave the story incomplete.

 

How the abuser simplifies this story:

He says that he was willing to share the Diwali with her, but only asked for a fair compensation. The response was late only because he was busy at work. He accuses the survivor of taking unnecessary stress. He says she should meet a psychiatrist. This strategy of the abuser is called "minimization". 

PS: The child was finally handed over only on Tuesday evening, after school.

 

Fund-raise with me- Together, let’s send a parent- less kid to college

The impact we leave on the world around us adds an undeniable layer of meaning to our lives. Education is one of my favorite tools to make an impact. No single cause changes a life like Education does, I bet on that!

When I lived in Bangalore, I had the pleasure of being associated with this lovely org called Samarthanam. Read more here.

Ever since I moved to Chennai, it has prodded my mind that I haven’t done much towards social responsibility. Time is sparse, being the typical excuse. A lot of my friends share the same predicament. Donating some money for a good cause is always a possibility, but the biggest challenge is making sure that our donation reaches the right hands.

Introducing Team Everest:
I started noticing KartheeVidhya in Dec 2014. At the same time I quit my career at HCL to become a full-time mom, Karthee quit his corporate job at CTS do full-time volunteering. This somehow touched a chord and I have since been closely following his remarkable work towards education through Team Everest- the organization he founded long before he quit CTS.

What impressed me the most?
(1)The emphasis on volunteering: Team Everest zealously encourages everyone to dedicate one day every month to volunteering.
(2)Clear vision and transparency about what they want to achieve.
(3)More than just money- Team Everest encourages you to contribute beyond money. They provide every opportunity to contribute your time and skill-set towards a wonderful cause.

Fund raising for “I am the change” scholarship
Currently, I am fund-raising for Team Everest’s “I am the change” scholarship.
In a nutshell, this money will go towards the college education of parentless and single parented kids, who are both academically good and financially challenged.

Why do I endorse this?
(1)I am happy about the way they screen the students they want to sponsor through eight step verification process.

(2)They go way beyond just sponsoring the college fees. They make the students job ready and life ready in every possible way- from skill development training programmes to finding internship and employment opportunities.
(3)A chance for us as donors to interact with, and in fact mentor the student we sponsor, which is extremely gratifying.
(4)A thoroughly professional, transparent and visionary approach that I admire deeply.

Click on this link to contribute any amount of your choice through my fund raising page.

Do you have more questions?

Click on these links to learn more.
I am the change programme

Student selection process

FAQs

Scholar stories

More about Team Everest and their work

Spare a few minutes for me right here. It’s a smart way to build a better India and feel good about it.

When life threw lemons at me

Over the years, one of the positive adjectives my friends have consistently used to describe me is “Strong”. I have always wondered why they say that about me, because I believe everyone is strong when life needs them to be. More so for women, and you know why.

When my dad was in ICU for the last time in 2016, in semi-coma, I spent a few day and nights at the hospital, almost alone until my brother arrived from US. One person, whose 6 year old daughter was hospitalized for liver transplant, told me “I have been observing you here for a few days. You are very strong. I want my daughter to grow up like you”. Those were big, big words. But when I came to know this person was a pediatrician himself, I was even more flattered. How many patients and attenders would he have seen in his practice!

A few years before that, I had a hairline fracture of my arm and decided not to tell my parents as they would be worried. As luck would have it, my dad had a hip fracture within two days of my fracture, and I had to be his caretaker after the hip replacement surgery. There were times when I used to stand outside the hospital, waiting for an auto, and nurses would instruct me in bewilderment to “Go inside, because in-patients were not allowed to come out alone”. I would tell them I am the attender, and they would go on to ask if dad and I had an accident together.

But finally there came years in my life, when I was impressed at my own grit. I got an inkling of what it takes to be strong. Just an inkling- yes. Because I had a new level of respect for cancer survivors and all those strong, strong people who bounced back at life with such extra ordinary courage.

I am talking about my two ear surgeries gone wrong, and months of intravenous injections after that. The first surgery was a simple tympanoplasty (my previous blog) gone wrong in Feb 2018 . At one point, I was blaming myself in so many ways for the failure. But looking back, I know it was just destined to happen. You will probably concur, when you finish reading this blog.

When I was first told by my ent doctor that I needed five days of IV antibiotics, with the cannula permanently fixed on my hand, it seemed ridiculously impossible. “I have a child and a home to handle”, I told him. But I agreed because there wasn’t much choice. When it was extended to day 6 and day 7, I thought I had been through the worst. Boy, was I so wrong.

By July, I was told I should have another surgery, almost at an emergency due to a pseudomonas ear infection gone deep into the mastoid. It’s the irony of my life. Our dad had feared super bugs during his lifetime. He died fighting a pan antibiotic resistant bacteria. Here I was, fighting another antibiotic resistant bacteria. How many people have I educated about the risks of antibiotic abuse, and yet, this happened exactly to me. (If you are hearing about antibiotic resistance for the first time, I recommend you read up).
We got my second surgery done. At this point, I told my doctors I was completely OK with having a IV cannula in my hand after I was discharged. After all, I had figured out, how to cook , take care of myself and my child with that needle inside my vein.

Another five days of IV antibiotics, and by now, I had made several nurse friends at the local hospital who seemed really worried for me.
By October 1st, after my first outstation trip after the surgery (to Auroville), my ear was discharging again actively and the graft that was operated into my ear was nowhere to be seen. By now, I insisted I must be getting my antibiotic prescription from a “Infectious disease specialist” than an ent doctor. That is how I met this wonderful human being Dr Subramaniam Swaminathan and his team of doctors (Special mention to Dr. Srividhya ma’am). I came home with a prescription for six weeks, thrice a day, strong IV antibiotics. When I say strong, I faced enormous difficulty sourcing six vials of those antibiotics per day. These medicines were usually given in smaller doses for few days, and hence the distributors always ran out of stock in the quantities I ordered.

I also found my wonderful nurse Shakthi, who would unfailingly come home thrice a day and give me the injections. She never once forgot. She never once placed her personal commitments over my medical needs. She went beyond her duties to procure me medicine when I faced difficulty. In fact, my biggest frustration was the constant struggle to order these medicines along with the difficulties I faced as a patient. The medicines were so strong that my vein would bulge in just 24 hours, instead of the usual four days. A new cannula had to be pricked into my vein almost every day. And then, there was antibiotic associated diarrhea. And then my body ached from all the weakness these medicines caused. And the fact that I was hardly interested in food (understandably)

At times, I broke down. I would go and meet Dr Subramanian’s team every few days, even if there was no real need. I was always welcome at their office. My desperate questions were answered with such unmatched patience and honesty. In a way, they were my source of strength.

And then, my house help Samandhi, who has been with me for five years now. There was an initial struggle when she had to take leave due to unavoidable personal issues- exactly when my IV started.
There were days when my five year old champ would do the vessel washing for me. His frustrating naughtiness at other times were compensated by such unforgettable acts of maturity.
Once Samandhi was back to work, she supported me in every possible way, prioritizing my needs over her own, truly feeling for my woes like a sister. It is unusual- but my maid and I were each other’s support system. I helped her financially and intellectually when needed. She helped me with her unfailing sense of duty.

And then, there were my friends. What would life be without them! Believe it or not, my biggest support were my whatsapp group of internet friends (some of whom, I have met eventually). Yes, internet friendship can be real. They were always there with positive words, encouragement, ideas and ready to lend a helping hand if I need.

And then, there is OPOS. Still not heard of OPOS cooking techniques? Then I suggest you read that up too. OPOS is a game changer. You can cook effortlessly and magically with a 2 l cooker or a pressure baker. If not for OPOS, my family would have survived these months on outside food, making it even more difficult for me to keep up my immunity.

If you are still reading, that’s not even the end of the story. My infection relapsed a few weeks after the six weeks IV. I was again prescribed an indefinite course of thrice a day, maximum dose IV antibiotics. My doctor advised me to get a PICC line instead of IV cannula. This one is a line that is almost permanently inserted into your body through an ultrasound guided procedure. It so happened that Krishna and I were alone at that time in Chennai and my in-laws took charge of Krishna while I got myself admitted for the PICC line. There were several amusing incidents as I stayed in the hospital, for the PICC line insertion, without an attender. The last one was when I handed over the discharge slip to the security (Only then, the patient can move out of the hospital). The security checked it and said, “Ok, now where is the patient?” And I nonchalantly told him, “That’s me”, pointing to my PICC line. He apologized profusely and sent me home.

I used to go to hospital to get my morning injection, come home, prepare breakfast and lunch, wake up Krishna, then drop him at school. Once I am alone, I would simply just sleep away my time to escape from the gloom and depression. (Explains my weight gain, and I am finally losing those Kgs). But at the end of it all, I felt so strong- I had completely pushed my limits. My trust in humanity was restored too, from the wonderful people I met on this journey.

Finally I was told that I no longer needed these antibiotics, because now I was having allergic discharge caused as a side effect of surgeries. My ear still gets blocked from time to time. It discharges copiously. It’s scary when that happens. But I am getting used to it. The new normal.

Did I make lemonade when life threw lemons? Yes, because I realized that if I could accomplish so much work amidst such adversity, I was seriously under utilizing my potential. I was finally ready for the second innings of my career. After a four year break. Because if I could face all that, I could face this too, with grace!

I am writing this five months into my journey at my current job- with an altogether new zeal for life.

My eardrum hole and tympanoplasty surgery

It has been a month and a week since my tympanoplasty surgery. I am sitting down to write a brief chronological narration of the events leading to the surgery, the surgery itself and my experiences till date.

There are two main reasons for me to jot down what I remember from the surgery.
(1) When I was about to go through the surgery, I really wanted to read a first hand experience from someone who had been through the surgery. While there were so many medical literature online, there was only one person I could find who had blogged his surgery experiences as such without any bias and that really helped.
(2)On the other hand, when I talked to a friend who had been through a related surgery years ago by the same surgeon, she had forgotten some of the details.
I realized that unless I write down these things somewhere, some of these things are going to get more and more vague in my memory with time and I may not be able to clarify things either for others or for myself.

For these two reasons, I decided to write what I feel is relevant about the surgery.

It was on August 31 2016 that I had some kind of strange water gushing feeling inside my left ear on a Sunday evening, several hours after a hair bath.

Mothers generally don’t have time time to ruminate on such insignificant things. I went about my work and slept at night. In the middle of the night, I had some kind of sharp pains inside my ear and when I kept my finger to check, I could feel there was a wet discharge. This happened all through the night. With a child who was sleeping on my other arm and would wake up if I took my hand away, I slept like that till sunrise with no idea of even the color of discharge.

The next morning, I was worried to see a brownish watery discharge and after asking for recommendations online, I went to Dr Krishnakumar of Global hospital.
He told me that there is an infection which can be cured. But the underlying cause is a huge hole in my eardrum which needs surgery to repair.

This came as a huge shock for me. How can a person who seemed generally healthy with no symptoms in ear before, suddenly have a large hole that needs to be operated on? I asked him if it can heal on its own. He said the hole does not seem recent to him and is very unlikely to close by itself.

I decided not to hurry into a surgery and went for a second opinion at a far away place in Nungambakkam based on recommendation. The ent doctor there gave me hope saying confidently that “It is a traumatic perforation caused by ear buds and will heal by itself in ten days and that is the beauty of it”. I was elated. (And promised myself never to abuse earbuds again). Ten days later, nothing much had happened and he also recommended surgery.

By now, there were strange clicking sounds in my right ear as well.

Then I decided to take a third opinion from MERF (Madras ENT Research Foudation, RA Puram) and met Dr Sudha Maheshwari based on recommendations from a neighbor. She spent the most amout of time to debug the issue and give me a proper diagnosis and prognosis.

She said I have a deviated nasal septum. That, coupled with my nasal allergies has led to negative pressure in my Eustachian tubes and one eardrum has burst, while the right eardrum is very thin but as of now, intact.
She said we can give it three more months and asked me to come for regular checkups every fortnight. She had given nasal spray and antihisthamine like my second opinion doctor.

She had initially given some hope of slight healing, but after three months, she also suggested to go for surgery as there is some formation in the eardrum which indicates it is no longer going to heal.

I was worried about further allergies leading to eardrum popping again, about which she was not willing to give any guarantees. (No ENT doctor will give guarantee on this)
At this point, I talked to two homeopathy practitioners from Salem and Bangalore. They both told me, once the allergies are dealt with , the hole will close eventually and take atleast an year.

Then I found a good Siddha doctor in Chennai and visited him. His honest opinion was that, the allergies can be cured, the hole may not be reversible. But he said the hole need not be closed surgically as long as it gives no issues. There is a high chance of the hole recurring after surgery, is his argument.
So long, I had been asked by ENT doctor to make sure no water went inside my ear, esp during hair bath. I shortened my hair a bit, put my hair in front during hair bath and plugged my ear with a cotton coated with Vaseline (Later I switched to coconut oil- dip cotton in oil, squeeze well and use, after I realized Vaseline itself was leaving thick wax like layers inside my ear. More on this later).

I started taking siddha medicines- loads of them and my allergies magically came under control in a month and they got better and better. My nose blocks had stopped,but I had a constant need to clear my throat of phlegm, but this also gradually stopped . I was meeting the siddha doctor at monthly or so intervals and getting revised meds based on progress.

After another year had passed, I knew my eardrum was not going to heal by itself and I wanted to get it operated. In the meanwhile my right eardrum got a traumatic perforation and eventually healed by itself within a month.( Thank God for that!) I went to a fourth ent doctor near to my place, who mistook the Vaseline buildup in my left ear (See two paras back) for ear wax and told me he was 90% sure the left ear had healed because there was wax build up and gave me drops to dissolve ear wax. (Mistake from my side was I didn’t mention to him about using Vaseline and didn’t realize there was a relation). As the Vaseline dissolved, the ear drops went through my hole into my inner ear one fine evening and I had the most scary nausea ever, throwing up several times and dizzy and hardly able to walk till the washroom attached to my bedroom).

This ent (Hariharan ent clinic, Medavakkam) was not reachable at that time though it coincided with his working hours. So we went to Global hospital emergency. (Now it had been rebranded as Gleneagles Global health city). They injected emeset and made several simple tests to make sure I was oriented. After things got under control, things got funnier when they called a neurologist to see me as they had no on-call ENT doctor.

I told them I was sure this happened after the ear drops and I knew this was an ent problem and there was no point calling a neurologist. But they called a neurologist and he made the same simple neurological tests already done by duty doctor and recommened an MRI for the 1% possibility of an impending stroke, saying it was my choice.
“Seri dhan ponga da”nu, I started home, only to be shocked by Rs. 1000 added to the emergency bill for the neurologist visit. I should have fought with them asking why I should pay for a neurologist because there was no ent doctor. But in that chaos, I didn’t think of those things.

By now, I had stopped my siddha medicines for few months and my allergy symtoms became severe again. I didn’t get an appt with my siddha doctor. But I met his assistant and got medicines and my allergies were better again (They were naturally on the path of betterment before I met the doctor).

Once my symptoms were better, I decided to “Get the surgery done with”.
I chose Global over MERF because it was much closer to my house (easier logistics), global had cashless insurance and seemed cheaper (due to insurance tie ups terms and conditions) than MERF. Dr Krishna kumar had already operated my friend Vidhya years ago, and she recommended him too.

There was also a disagreement between the various doctors I met on tympanoplasty vs tympano mastoidectomy. My temporal bone CT scan showed a mastoiditis in the left ear. So Dr Sudha and ENT Dr Mahalingam (in Trichy) suggested mastoidectomy (which includes work on ear bones apart from eardrum). Other doctors suggested that a simple tymapanoplasty (repair of eardrum) is enough, as I never had discharge from ear after that one time.

In between, Dr Krishnakumar had suggested that my nasal septum needs to be corrected first, then eardrum. Else, my chronic allergies will make sure the eardrum surgery doesn’t succeed. A couple of other doctors said this is not needed. So I told him I don’t want to get this optional surgery done.

Now that we decided on “Tympanoplasty” by Dr Krishnakumar from Global hospital, I went on 6th feb 2018 announcing my desire to get the surgery done. Doctor ordered for an audiogram (done several times earlier also) and a temporal bone Xray. The anesthetist ordered for a package of ECG, blood tests and chest xray.
I didn’t realize that they have given a HIV test until I was billed. Once I was billed and went to take the blood test, I was asked to sign the consent form that I was taking HIV test out of my free will. Only after giving the sample, I did a google search and came to know that HIV test cannot be forced on anyone. So I inferred this is not a mandatory test and I have probably been taken for a ride for another 1700 rupees. But it was too late now (Lesson learnt , for alerting others and if I ever need it in the future ).
All the tests took a couple of days to get completed, thanks to the lethargic attitude and lack of communication in some places (Anesthetist meet, xray report collection). ENT dept itself seemed to function efficiently though.

I was given an option between getting admitted on Feb 8th evening and Feb 9th early morning. Since I stayed closeby, I opted to spend that extra hours with my kid and got admitted on Feb 9th morning.

I was put in touch with a coordinator from Global hospital regarding the insurance and other logistics. When I came to know I had eligibility for a private room from insurance (this info had to come from global hosp after contacting cashless insurance), I confirmed that I need a private room.
When I called up this coordinator on feb 8th evening regarding something else, that is when he told me that the availability of private room (or any level of room for that matter) is not guaranteed and will get to know only at the time of admission and that he is doing his best. This came as a shock. If he had told this earlier, I would have planned the surgery at a time the private room was available. I am still disappointed about this.

We got a three sharing room when we got admitted (and came to know that if we had got admitted previous evening, we had better chances of getting a private room. This was again not conveyed to us by the coordinator).
The three sharing room was not just less private (one bathroom shared by three patients +attenders), but even the patient robes given were very poor quality with some or most of the ropes for tying missing, even after it is changed multiple times on our request). This was definitely not expected from a premium hospital like this.

After rushing through the shaving of hair (close to ear), prepping the surgery area (I was given a solution to do this), bath, robe change, IV, antibiotics, anesthesia test dose etc, I was rushed to operation theatre (we were late, mistake being mine that I got admitted bit late). Surgeon was already waiting.
I was made comfortable by the anesthetist. Then they kept an oxygen mask. I felt some difficulty breathing. She said it is okay. That was the last I knew.

When I woke up, my first thought was “Oh God, I slept in the hospital”. Then I realized I had been given an anesthesia and the surgery had been done. I was taken back to the ward after some wait. I had a heavy sense of wanting to urinate. I told the nurse and one of them accompanied me.

Surprisingly, I just was not able to pee despite the urgent sensation. After a very long time, I peed in drops and even after several long minutes, I didn’t feel done. I conveyed this to nurse, who said we will wait for the anesthesia effect to wear out. When this continued till evening, some junior from urology dept visited me and he showed no sense of knowledge/ authority over situation. He prescribed a tablet (which I am familiar with, as my dad had been taking it for several years). I was constantly followed up on the urological issue by nurses (never did the doctor turn up to meet me).

After a lot of pestering and recommendation from doctor, we got a two sharing room (and a much better robe). This was to be shared with an international (AKA Arabian) patient. This was a true pain in the neck, as the Arabian patient had a lot of attitude problem and insisted on owning the remote for the common AC, reduced temperature without informing us, kept the TV loud and had the lights on beyond 11 PM. Basically, they neither behaved like a patient, nor with a realization that they were sharing the room with another patient. They had a surprising sense of entitlement (probably because they pay higher and the hospital was intentionally promoting that sense of privilege/ VIP status on them). The nurses were always in a fix when we wanted them to convey the Arabian patient to switch off lights, reduce TV volume etc because they responded very rudely. Eg: I am also a patient. So I have the rights to keep lights on after 11 PM. Very disappointed that the hospital is not giving priority to local patients. Despite making use of huge amount of local resources in terms of space, water, electricity etc, they were thinking in terms of money and giving privilege to Arabian patients. Huge let down, there.

The nurses were quite good with us, responding every call very promptly. The urologist still didn’t meet me in person and recommended a ultrasound scan over phone (which I refused, because my condition was slowly getting better). When there was 1000 rupees added for the urologist fee, who was only available over phone, it certainly didn’t make me feel good about the hospital.
We got discharged on 10th evening and came home. My experience with the surgery was neither bad nor great. All went well so far and I was glad. I was on pain killers and didn’t feel much pain. (Once,there was pain during hospital stay and when I mentioned, I was given pain killer through IV)

There was a first week followup to remove stich in the outside of the ear (the inner one in eardrum was absorbable). But in two days after discharge, I had a swelling under left eye. So I went to see the ent. The ent said it was too minor for concern and removed the dressing, now that I have turned up anyways.

Stitch removed after one week. It was more time consuming and bit scary than I thought (maybe due to junior doctors doing that along with surgeon). Inner padding in ear removed after two weeks.
All the while, I had little difficulties like my temple aching when eating chapathis etc, not able to turn my neck on one side, some sounds inside left ear, difficulty hearing etc). I had mentioned these to ent during the visits and he assured all of these are normal and will settle.

I was asked to keep my ear dry for five weeks and avoid hair bath for atleast three weeks post surgery.
I had a hair bath the evening before surgery and cut my hair short, so that it doesn’t get much dirty. (Stylish hair after surgery is quite a confidence booster, u know? I can easily hide my cotton plugged ear in the free hair when I have to go out). I applied no hair oil and I could easily manage 2 and half weeks without wetting my hair (surprise!!). But then, I mostly stayed indoors. So not much “hair pollution”. Then I was asked to apply t bact ointment on the side of cotton and plug it in ear and have hair bath. (No Vaseline or coconut oil). Done, successfully.

Meanwhile, we had Krishna’s birthday coming up 2 and half weeks past the surgery and we celebrated that well, as well.

At nearly a month post the surgery, I started experiencing more pain in the temple (midpoint if u draw a line between top of ear and starting of eyebrow), while yawning or opening my mouth wide for popping a pill). There had always been some pain in this place and when I had mentioned this to doctor earlier, he said this is normal and will settle gradually. While all other discomforts had settled, this one had amplified. To my shock, doctor said this was not related to surgery as he didn’t operate that bone and asked if I have had this complaint previously before surgery!

He gave me anti inflammatory tablets for a week, which has reduced the pain, but it is certainly not gone. I am pretty sure this started after surgery and as of now, I am keeping my fingers crossed that this goes away permanently. Hopefully I will keep this blog updated and I really hope this helps some people down the line. Best luck to you all and me too! 

Memories of dad

Has been quite a while
Since I wrote in poetic style
À few tears here, a few tears there
Dad has checked out from here

Sick of the ICU beeps
And seeing him full of tubes
My little reassuring strokes
in the daily visiting hours
turned into Sorry, Love you,
And unsaid Goodbyes....

Not that he heard those words
Or felt my touch in those agonizing weeks
But if u tell me he never felt the pain,
from being ill
That's all I want to know and chill...

My heart doesn't wilt in guilt or wishes unfulfilled..
It helps to know I was there...when he was still aware...
Before the minutes that turned into oblivion...

Blessed in a way I am.
His last meal was mine, his last home was ours,
and the last reassuring words were mine.

His last few weeks had my presence in 'em...
Twilight walks in our hometown with him and my son
To temples, park and temple car....
I hope it meant something to him.

Have I come to terms with his loss?
Maybe yes, better than his better half
She has a long way to go
And I hope I play my part well.

But few things have changed forever..
Like this morn, he wasn't at the door to say bye-bye
And I recall those Cauvery baths..
The TVS 50 rides...
The school bag he packed on my behalf
The way I used to hide behind him,
When mom chased me with a stick in her hand...
The ear studs he would buy to surprise me
His DIY binding of my school books
The craft projects and biology drawings he did for me
The way he would squeeze my hands in his, in emotional moments
Making lists for Diwali crackers
The moffusil bus rides when he would bore me with landmarks
The way he used to put me to sleep in hammock,
Singing sa ri ga ma pa dha ni sa..
The way he repeated it for his grandson...

Can I get him back just one moment,
so i could read him out this list?

Wayanad- Banasura island resort

I know I did not blog about our blissful Malaysia and Singapore tour. Somehow I felt the photos told the story there. But I definitely want to tell you about the Banasura Island resort in Wayanad. This is our annual tour with Hari’s colleagues and families. It’s a beautiful concept in amazon. I love the company for this. Every year, the company sponsors an annual outing to its employees with families. We usually go for a two day tour to a good resort- one year to Yercaud (Grand continental), one year to poovar island, Kerala. This year, it was to Wayanad for three days.
I’d tell you why I love the concept of the tour. You get to enjoy the tour while a bunch of enthusiastic and efficient colleagues take care of the planning. The whole tour is a suspense trip. It’s a boon for busy families like us ;)
You get to meet your hubby’s colleagues and families every single year and have fun with them. This will not happen without such a concept!
They bulk book such nice resorts that we will never spend so much on a stay when we tour as individual families. Also, you can customize a lot of things with the resort due to the bulk booking. The resorts are so nice, you can simply choose to stay and enjoy the resort, not even go out touring. Even if you go out touring the hotel arranges bus for the large group and you are jolly and free 
Over to Wayanad. We went to Calicut by train. The train route to Calicut itself was so beautiful. So lush green that each scene looked like a wall paper. From there, the hotel had arranged mini bus transportation to their resort in Wayanad.
The entire resort was booked for amazon and rooms were chosen using lots. There was a honey moon villa, twin cottage, naalukettus, luxury rooms and deluxe rooms. We got the naalukettu as a couple who got it in the lots were unable to make the trip. Whoever owns this resort has a true blessing to his credit. I have never even imagined a resort that could be in such a scenic place. Or I had never even imagined a place that is so, so, so, so scenic…. Water, mountains, greenery, what not.. I still could not get it off my eyes.
Naalukettu was surely one of the best rooms. It was a single room with two room sized balconies- one overlooking the beautiful mountains and the other overlooking a beautiful stream of water. The aesthetic antique wood themed interiors with two swings were..well..too much for us..
We had already planned to spend most of this trip relaxing than touring around wayanad. Anyways, the resort was far away from tourist destinations. The first evening, we went to a nearby lake and did speed boating there. Well, nice experience, but nothing compared to the resort itself.
The hospitality of staff was unbelievable. Especially, the manager Binoth was smiling all the time and waiting to accommodate our every request. Other staff were equally polite and dying to help. (I wish they’d get rid off the coconut oil in their cooking though) We spent the evening with bajji, TT and carrom board. After dinner, we had a good sleep.
Next day, we decided not to join the touring gang and spent the day lazing- Hari massaging and me TT playing. In the evening, Hari and I walked through a small green road- typically reminding of the “Road not taken” by Robert Frost. It was most beautiful and fresh with the rain drops. I do not remember a more beautiful place where I have walked. We walked for a while. As everything comes with a cost- we discovered a few leeches on Hari’s leg and on my face. We decided to return 
Night was spent with some guys drinking and us playing dumb charades.
The next day, we walked to the water stream very close to the resort. We passed through the same road we walked the previous evening, but it was only a little less beautiful without the rain drops. A few had opted out of it for fear of leeches. But we decided to brave it this time with salt. There was a small trek down to the stream and man, the stream was gorgeous. Two leech bites on me and one on Hari were removed with salt. It was all worth the sweet sounding rush of water we bathed in. As it rained, the water level and force increased in front of our eyes. Then, the guide advised us to leave the place. We reached back, played some more TT and left the lovely resort.
No one had a heart to leave. The resort was so secluded that the employees had to travel 8 KM to buy even veggies. But what do we care as guests? We could go on forever 